Cairo, Egypt -- The first born children of several Egyptian ruling class families, including Pharoah Ramses's own first born son, were assassinated overnight in a coordinated terrorist attack committed by the Marxist Opposition to Slavery in Egypt Society (MOSES), an Israelite terror organization.
"God is great," MOSES said in a statement claiming credit for the murders on behalf of their deity. "God has punished the Egyptian infidels for enslaving his chosen people. God has hardened the Pharoah's heart, and he refused to let our people go. All Egypt will suffer. You reap the thorns you've sown in the world."
The statement did not name the god or say where he fits in the known pantheon. Nor did it explain why he sent his "chosen people" into slavery for 400 years, nor why he punished Egypt for complying with his own plan, nor why he "hardened the Pharoah's heart" and punished him for a decision he did not make freely.
"Because the god credited by MOSES is ridiculous," said Prince Merenptah, "We are convinced that the statement is yet another ruse to make Egyptians afraid the Israelites have a powerful god on their side. Make no mistake: Human beings are responsible for these evil, cowardly, criminal murders. There is no deity at work here, and there never was."
Merenptah was plainly referring to the past several weeks, during which Egypt has been kept in a state of panic encouraged by the persistent threats by MOSES of "God's plagues." Out of fear, ignorance, guilt and superstition, Egyptians have imagined and exaggerated everything from frogs and locusts, to dead cattle and bad weather, to be plagues.
The Ramses administration has repeatedly denied the power of the Israelite deity, insisting that the so-called "plagues" are not. They suspect MOSES of engineering the panic in order to demonstrate their closeness to the unknown deity and gain a following among the Israelites. Documents found by Egyptian intelligence officers reveal that MOSES intends to impose a new slavery regime.
"The Evil Ones will not win," said Merenptah. "MOSES will no doubt exaggerate the success of last night's terrorist act, as they have the false plagues. Ignore them. They will not win."
Pharoah Ramses is expected to announce the government's response in a speech to the Royal Court later today.
BREAKING NEWS: Israelites Expelled; Army in Pursuit
Pharoah Ramses expelled the Israelites from Egypt today, shortly before ordering the Egyptian army to pursue them and eliminate their MOSES leaders. The Israelites are believed to be heading toward the Red Sea.
"Terrorism threatens civilization," said Ramses in an impassioned speech before the Royal Court. "We now face a new cult that worships a god believed to practice terrorism. This faith will no doubt imbue its followers with the conviction that terrorism is a moral and just way to resolve conflict. After all, they believe their god used it.
"But we can stop it if we act now," he continued. "We are witnessing the birth of the cult. MOSES committed the terrorism and is giving this unknown god the credit. If we can eliminate MOSES, we can abort the growth of the cult and save future generations the horror we have only barely tasted.
"Let's roll."
