Vatican City -- In a sermon on Sunday during Papal Mass in St. Peter's Square, Pope John Paul II called on "Christ's heralds" to reclaim the Holy Land and "to destroy that vile race from the lands of our friends."
The Pope was not explicit and did not use the word "Crusade," but his sermon was closely modeled on the 1095 speech of his forebear, Pope Urban II, which initiated the proud and enduring Christian tradition of Crusades.
Like previous Crusades, the purpose of this one is to fend off Islamic repossession of Jerusalem. Disunity among Jews is promoting an increase in Palestinian demands for a state with Jerusalem as the capital. The new Crusade will provide the region's Christian population with support to conquer the incompetent Jewish rulers, oust the upstart Muslims, and create a new Crusader state.
After summarizing the political situation, the Pope said, "On this account I, or rather the Lord, beseech you as Christ's heralds to persuade all people of whatever rank to carry aid promptly to those Christians and to destroy that vile race from the lands of our friends. Though I say this to those who are present, it is meant also for those who are absent. Moreover, Christ commands it."
Renowned as one of the world's great sophists, the Pope adeptly intertwined the call to arms with the rhetoric of peace. "Although, O sons of God, you have promised more firmly than ever to keep the peace among yourselves and to preserve the rights of the Church," he said, "There remains still an important work for you to do."
He promised spiritual assistance for participants in the important work. Following Crusade tradition, the recently reintroduced indulgences will be extended to reduce the penance necessary for Crusaders to atone for sin. The Pope added, "All who die by the way, whether by land or by sea or by air, or in battle against the pagans, shall have immediate remission of sins. This I grant them through the power of God with which I am invested."
Wag the Dog Manoeuvre Criticized
The Pope's theological and political opponents were quick to characterize his call for a new Crusade as a ploy to distract the public from the impeachment trial of Mary, mother of Jesus, for lying before God about being laid by God. If Mary is convicted, as expected, the Pope will be deposed, since the very existence of his office is ultimately based on her credibility.
The Chief Rabbis of Israel, Eliyahu Bakshi Doron and Israel Meir Lau, issued a joint statement of "shock and outrage" at the attempt "to subvert the just and crucial investigation of the adulterating bitch" by diverting attention to "the resurrection of the abominable practice of Christian conquest."
Several hardline Muslim clerics, including Grand Ayatollah Mohammad Fazel Lankarani, Grand Ayatollah Hossein Nouri
Hamedani and Ayatollah Hossein Mazaheri, appeared together in Tehran to announce a fatwa on the Pope. "The Popemobile will not protect you," Nouri said, "Allah-u-akbar!"
A common suspicion is that the Pope is trying to emulate U.S. President Bill Clinton, who ordered the bombing of targets in Iraq even as the House of Representatives was voting on Articles of Impeachment. Despite the cynical branding of the order as a Wag the Dog manoeuvre, after the movie by that name, the President's approval rating reached an all-time high of 73%.
A Vatican spokesmonk denied these rumours. "The Holy Father has no need for the counsel or example of lay persons, even one holding the high worldly station of President of the United States," said Brother Joseph Lockhart. "He is always inspired by Our Lord, Jesus Christ."
Still, it is widely acknowledged to be -- at the very least -- an amazing coincidence that the Pope's call for a new Crusade closely followed both his private meeting with President Clinton in St. Louis and scientific evidence that interspecies breeding between a god and a human being is impossible. The evidence promises to be decisive at Mary's impeachment trial.
Mary, who recently took up residence in Lourdes, France, declined to comment on the new Crusade, but several people reported seeing her cry.
