Vatican City -- Pope John Paul II announced that the Catholic Church's policy of tolerance and engagement toward space exploration and research is over and called on NASA to cease its efforts to discover and understand the cosmos.
"The Church will no longer stand idly by while the heresies of the universe are revealed," said the Pope. "It is clear that objects in space have no respect for God and are trying to push men off the path of faith. We must protect ourselves from their evil influence."
He cited NASA's Origins Project as a particularly dangerous venture, calling the empirically apparent age of the universe and life an example of the "insolent illusion" falsely displayed by nature in defiance of God's truth, plainly expressed in the Book of Genesis.
Plans are already in effect to excommunicate heavenly bodies that refuse to comply with official Church doctrine.
NASA Administrator Daniel S. Goldin admits that, "NASA is deeply committed to spreading the unique knowledge that flows from its aeronautics and space research. Origins is one of the boldest challenges NASA has taken on, and the results could literally change the way humans think about the universe and their place in it."
The Pope said that the way humans think has already changed quite enough in the years since the Church moderated its reaction to scientific heresy and began creative reinterpretation instead of violent persecution and intellectual perversion.
He fondly recalled how the Church censored Copernicus, burned Bruno, and condemned Galileo. "Ah, the good old days of the Inquisition. We should have kept up the pressure on that heliocentric nonsense. Then we could have prevented the fix we find ourselves in today."
"Original Truth" Is the Only Truth
The impetus for the ultra-conservative Pope's latest assault on progress is adherence to what he calls "original truth." Since Church doctrine is absolute truth, and absolute truth is by definition static and ageless, Church doctrine should not, need not and cannot change. Ever.
"It should be obvious to anyone, as it is to me, that contrary evidence cannot to be integrated into prior dogma while the truth of the dogma, either before or after integration, is maintained," he explained, adding that the redundancy of the term "original truth" is precisely the point.
"The word [original] implies a chronology of truths of which this version came first. A sequence of divine truths, each modifying its predecessors, is impossible to conceive. The first is truth. The others are heresy. Therefore, I rescind all so-called modernization of doctrinal cosmology."
The Pope neglected to explain why the argument applied only to cosmology when his reasoning, which was surprisingly lucid for a papal edict, seemed to call into question the very existence of the Church itself.
He applauded Republican congressmen in the U.S. House of Representatives for their proposal to slash NASA's budget by 11 percent, calling them "the Church's allies in the battle against scientific knowledge," and urging them to abolish the space agency altogether.
"It's a waste of money," he said. "We already know where the universe came from, when it was created, and how life began."
Vatican sources denied rumours that the Pope, who recently celebrated his 79th birthday, is suffering from senility. The Papal Physician issued a statement: "The Supreme Pontiff's mental health is excellent, even as he watches the Sun orbit the Earth an 80th time."
