Atlanta, GA -- In an abrupt aboutface, the coalition of Christian groups that fought for decades to entrench the Bible in the American public school curriculum reversed its campaign, insisting that the Constitution protects religion from interference from a state educational institution.
"The Bible belongs in church. We must defend our First Amendment right to keep the Holy Book out of public schools," said Elizabeth Ridenour, president of National Council on Bible-free Curriculum in Public Schools (NCBCPS -- formerly National Council on Bible Curriculum in Public Schools).
The change follows the conclusion of a study assessing the results of teaching the recommended course, "The Bible as History and Literature," to high school students. The study found that the course had an almost universally negative effect on the faith -- and often the mental stability -- of students.
"They were learning more they ever wanted to know," said Adam Eden, lead researcher of the study. "It seems that a straight read-through of the Bible, instead of the selective quotation used by preachers, is detrimental to faith and sanity."
Many students were horrified by the psychopathic characters they encountered -- not least of all God, whose true nature is well-documented. In the most severe cases, therapists were recruited by schools to help students deal with discovering the sheer terror of divine morality.
Ridenour insisted the Bible was not to blame. "You shouldn't teach what it says without also teaching the right way to understand it," she said. "Proper interpretation is necessary to prevent madness and heresy. Unfortunately, the courts told us the course couldn't include religious interpretation because it's unconstitutional indoctrination."
Much to the dismay of Christians who wanted the course offered in school, teachers found that some interpretation was nevertheless required to deal with the many inconsistencies, inaccuracies and plain absurdities revealed by unfiltered study of the Bible.
At first, they attempted to solve biblical stupidity by prodigiously using the theological panacea: miracles. Inevitably, this example of supernaturally twisted logic led to constitutionally questionable territory, and to avoid religious interpretation, teachers ultimately resorted to the only viable option: reason.
The result was the addition of a new course section entitled "Critical Thinking." Its first assignment was to write an essay answering the question: "What evidence is necessary to establish a miracle?"
Seeing their Holy Book subjected to rigorous critical analysis by high school students was more than Ridenour and the Bible Mafia could bear, and they surrendered, calling for First Amendment protection for the Bible. Consequently, the NCBCPS has changed its motto from "IT'S COMING BACK!" to "IT'S RUNNING AWAY!"
And in other news...
Topeka, KA -- By removing evolution from the state's science curriculum, the Kansas Board of Education began instituting its policy of only teaching things its members personally believe are true. Next on the chopping block are physics and chemistry because Board members are suspicious of things they can't see and don't understand. The history curriculum is being redesigned to cover events only as far back as Board members can remember, and the list of approved texts of English literature will include only books they've all read. The Board assured concerned parents that the two subjects considered essential for living in Kansas would not be changed: arithmetic and shoving one's head firmly up one's ass.
